I picked up the mess as best as I could, cleaned it up, and put everything where it goes. I'm talking about Erick of course! Then I went back and cleaned up the kitchen and bathroom. I tried looking for one of the Bells' approved program for Erick to watch, but none of them were on TV. So I just turned to the Public TV station and let him watch old re-runs of Julia Child. By the end of the program I’m sure he would know how to make a quiche from scratch. But instead, he fell asleep, just in time for the baby to wake up.

I left Mr. Vomit on the couch, and joined Kayleen in her room. Not really knowing what do to with a 2 year old little girl, I just let her do whatever she wanted. First she played with a little farm house and made the sounds of all the animals - moo said the duck, quack said the cow, neigh said the dog, bow wow said the horse. Okay, she doesn’t exactly know what sound goes with what animal, but they were close enough.

After a while, she lost interest. Then she moved to a stack of books and stuffed one in my face. I figured she wanted me to read. The book she chose had a very interesting title - 'How Everyone Poops.’ I'm guessing this book is about. . . how everyone poops.  Instrumental in helping children realize that the diapers will come off one day and they're gonna have to poop in a hole in the ground, then the poop will be thrown down the hole with high pressure water, travel around 100 miles into a bigger white tank somewhere, and who knows what happens to all that poop. It was probably easier just to poop in a diaper. 

As Kayleen sat there waiting for me to start reading the book, she started making soft grunting sounds. She was turning as red as a lobster and looked like her eyes were ready to pop out of her head. The room started to smell like petroleum oil. "Oh my lord, what's that smell?" I said with my arm over my nose.    

Kayleen smiled and said, "I pooped Miss Nina, just like the book. He-he-he-he.” 

Oooooh, great! No one told me I had to change dirty diapers. Yuk!  How do I even do this? So I ran to see if there was any instruction on the “List.” Item # 10 - How to change a diaper. The first thing it said is to wear latex gloves. . . latex gloves?  Isn't that what doctor’s wear when they're operating or when a cop is doing a cavity search?  Don't ask me why or how I know what a cavity search is. I have one word to say. . . Johnny. 

Anyway, I took off her pants and removed the diaper. Okay, but what do I do with the diaper when I remove it from her toosh? When I looked inside the diaper, there was only 3 little pieces of poop. All that smell from these 3 little tiny turds?  Okay, I have it under control. Everything is good. I’ll just stick this in a grocery bag then stuff it in a garbage bag then place it in the big garbage container outside. No problem. Until speeeewww, plooooop! Oh, mama mia, diarrhea! It went everywhere – on the floor, on my pants, on the door, on my hands! Great, I’m sounding like a Dr. Seuss book. Okay, now that I have it all over me, what-do-I-do-now!

I grabbed her two legs together with one hand and her arms with another and lifted her to the bathroom, but when I turned on the water, there wasn't enough pressure to clean one of her toes.  So, thinking fast, I ran outside to find a garden hose, and hosed her down. That's right, I hosed her down. She thought it was the funniest thing in the world. But good thing, all the crude, slimy mud came off. I ran inside with her butt cheeks hanging to the wind and Kayleen was hysterically laughing. I’m sure it would make a wonderful story at a cocktail party one day, but at the moment. . . not very funny. Finally, I was inside the house and made her nice and comfy cozy in a pair of dry, non-pooped shorts and t-shirt. Then I wiped off the rest of the honey brown goo from the door and the floor as best I could. She had no idea of just what happened! She was just happily playing with her dolls, talking to them and making believe they were naughty little children for pooping in their pants.  Not too long after that, Erick Jr. woke up. Then, they played and fought nicely together, until their dad arrived home. 

"Hi, Nina, how is everything?”

“Oh fine, just fine, Mr. Bells,” I answered, trying to stand as far away from him so he wouldn’t smell the vomit and poop on me.

“Everything under control?”

"Oh yeah, sure, everything under control.” Sigh.

After that short conversation with Mr. Bells, I was on my way home.  He gave me my first payment for the week, a total of $48. Wow, I was on cloud nine. Almost $50 and for what? Almost lost my hearing, was vomited on, pooped over, got kicked out of an imaginary tea party and laughed at by a 4 year old, a 2 year old and 5 remote controllers! Not bad work if you could find it!   

When I arrived home, mom was cooking and my brother was reading out loud from the book 'The Old Man and the Sea' to my mom, one of her favorites.

"Hi dear, how are you? Oh my, you stink!" my mom said while holding her nose. Prissy came over to me, sniffed me and ran away. Great, I even smell fowl to an animal that likes sniffing other animals poop. I guess she only enjoys dog poop, not human.